Do you really think the them in question cares whether you’re smiling or not? If you’re still here, and they want you gone, your expression is largely irrelevant.

Ok, maybe it does matter a little, but let’s pretend this hypothetical “them” are the management team of your place of employment, and that this place of employment has several floors and areas, and the them are on one floor and you are on another. Just turning up makes them roll their eyes, but they get on with their lives until they next see you, which isn’t very often, to be honest.

You, on the other hand, have to be in a place that you do not like, knocking yourself out on tasks you cannot do, forcing a smile on your face so that you can “win”? No, sweetie, you’re the losing team, the definitive underdog, and this is not a Disney movie, they are not going to see the error of their ways just because you show gritty determination topped with a charming smile.

I don’t think anyone should give up at the first hurdle, but after, for example (for this is certainly only hypothetical), four and a half years of trying to prove yourself, only to be constantly berated, walking away is the only option.

“There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” Epictetus

“Do the best that can be done and then… be resigned.” Robert Ingersoll

“A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone…” Richard Carlson

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Alcohol.

Largely I don’t drink. At one point I did not drink at all, but every now and then I fancy a silly cocktail. I don’t get drunk, generally I don’t even notice if I’m tipsy because it’s very much like me being sober. Surrounded by good company, I can get giddy without the aid of alcohol.

Last night I had planned not to drink. I’ll be honest, I don’t really like the taste of alcohol. Sometimes I like just one sip of Craig’s beer, sometimes I want a silly cocktail that doesn’t taste of alcohol, but if you offer me a choice of OJ or a spirit with a mixer, I’ll take the soft drink every time. When I did drink (and I did, heavily) I drank solely to get drunk. I would have a double vodka with a Smirnoff Ice as the mixer and down it quickly so that I wouldn’t have to taste it. Not my finest moments, but at least I can write it off as being an idiot and very unhappy teenager.

Now I’m a very happy person, surrounded by lovely people, and I do not need to get drunk to blot them out. I want to remember my evenings out. I do not want to fall over, lose my shoes, leave my shirt at a bar or any of the stupid things I have done in the past.

Last night, as we approached the bar, Friend asked, “What are you drinking?” and I replied that an OJ would be lovely. Friend pulled a face and asked again what I was really drinking. I again said that an OJ was fine. Friend pointed out it was Christmas and I should “treat myself”. For the sake of a quiet life I asked for a Malibu and Coke. I really hate the “treat yourself” argument about alcohol. By the same logic I should start handing out my cigarettes to the non-smokers with the words, “Treat yourself, it’s Christmas.”

Later, Friend went to the bar again without me, I requested an OJ and was given another Malibu and Coke, which I deposited on a table and ignored all night. I then went to the bar myself and made sure my drink was devoid of alcohol.

In previous years I’ve had this conversation with someone we shall refer to as “Dickhead”.

Dickhead: What are you drinking?
Me: OJ.
Dickhead: Oh, are you driving?
Me: No. I just don’t drink. (This is back when I definitely did not drink, not even a little.)
Dickhead: Oh, why don’t you drink?
Me: Because I don’t want to.
Dickhead: No, really, why don’t you drink.
Me: Because I’m a recovering alcoholic, and they get cross if you turn up to AA meetings twatted.
Dickhead: Oh, really? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.
Me: I’m not an alcoholic, you twat. I just don’t drink.
Dickhead: Really? But why?
Me: Because I’m pregnant.
Dickhead: Oh! Congratulations, when are you due?
Me: I’M NOT PREGNANT, I JUST DON’T DRINK.
Dickhead: Surely there must be a reason.
Me: Ok, you forced it out of me, I’m actually a Muslim, but I don’t like to bring up religion in social settings.
Dickhead: Really? I guess that’s why you’re friends with [Asian Friend].
Me: For fuck’s sake! I’m not Muslim, I’m not pregnant and I’m not an alcoholic, I just don’t drink!
Dickhead: But why?

At this point, I walked off.

Dickhead is one thing, but Friend is another. Dickhead is just a dick, and can’t help that, he’s genetically programmed to be an arse, but Friend really should have respected my wishes about drink.

If someone does not want to drink, then they should not be forced to because other people believe it is impossible for anyone to have a good time without drinking. I’m 31 years old and tend to drink Schloer at parties in the hopes that people will assume it’s wine and not get on my case about lightening up and getting drunk.

Sometimes I flat-out tell people, “I lived with an abusive alcoholic for three years,” as a reason why I don’t drink and that only stops some of them. And to be honest, that’s very little to do with why I don’t want to drink. I just don’t want to. I don’t like it.

Right, I’m off for a smoke to calm down. Why don’t you come with me? You don’t smoke? Pfff! It’s Christmas. Treat yourself.

Unfortunately the landlord informed us that he was coming over today.  This means I got up early, tidied the house, then sat around feeling awkward (no smoking) until he arrived “late morning” (after 1pm).  I know, I could have written while waiting, but I couldn’t settle because I knew I’d have to drop the writing as soon as he arrived.  Plus, after I’d tidied up, there wasn’t much of the morning left.

He has just left.  My boyfriend will be home from work in 40 minutes, so that’s the entire day lost.  I am annoyed.  Also, I do not feel well.  I spent all day feeling sick and headachey, and then a migraine hit last night, so I assumed I was just displaying symptoms I don’t usually get.  Usually I lose my sight, go numb, sometimes hallucinate, and crawl into bed to die.  Last night I did that, minus the hallucinations, but I don’t feel any better today.

I feel that my day off has been completely robbed.  And my word count sucks.  I must force myself to keep writing now, and I’m not in the mood.  Let’s just hope tomorrow is better.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Participant

So, we’re on Day 6 of NaNoWriMo, I have four first chapters and only one of them has stuck.  I could add those words to my word count (it would only bump me up a couple of thousand words) but since I’ve tried this story different ways, it kind of feels like cheating.

I did start out trying to be a grown-up and write a “proper” story and it just wouldn’t work.  It wasn’t fun, I didn’t care, it was stilted and dull.  I thought back to the fanfic that fandom will never let me forget – I hate it, some love it, though anyone with half a brain should pick holes in it for the lulz – no matter how rubbish it was, I had a lot of fun writing it.

So I’m writing in exactly the same style.  Loose, not bothered about foreshadowing, no great detail, just getting the story done.  This is for my amusement, it’s not going to get published, it’s not even going on a website, so why work myself to death to make it accessible to everyone?  Oh, and by the way, it has a great honking Mary Sue in there.

So is it a bit hypocritical that I rage against people who write these type of fanfics?  Well, because they get upset when you point out the failings, yet they put it up on ff.net with “plz r&r” (please read and review, for those not fluent in 12 year old girl).  I’m not writing this to publish it, either online or hard copy, I’m just going to write 50,000 words, and have fun doing it.

Plus, the story has an apocalypse, an abandoned theme park, people fighting the forces of darkness, ghosts, monsters and a quest for the perfect vase for a bedroom.  I am having fun with this.

Edited to add: Now the layout of my journal is actually relevant.  Kelsey does actually live in an abandoned theme park.  Rock on.

Rise Above Hate

Can I just say I love this picture?  Not really worth blogging, but I did anyway.  I know, I should be using tumblr for stuff like this.

I know I’m supposed to hate Cena (or be madly in love with him) but I just can’t hate him when he does stuff like this.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Participant

So, NaNo 2011 is looming, I have already ditched one carefully planned out idea in favour of another.  The first idea was a simple ghost story, your standard white lady tale that hits every cliche in the book.  The second one is more along the lines of Woods, a novel in which a bunch of teenagers are tormented by an evil fucking entity in the woods.  In fact, the new idea is a sequel.

The universe in which I write has grown substantially since I first wrote Woods.  I’ve taken a leaf out of Stephen King’s book and let my stories overlap, even the supernatural and the non-supernatural.  They all take place in the same town, which is based on my home town, and a lot of surnames overlap.  A powerful and wealthy family is featured in all of my stories, sometimes in the lead role, other times just mentioned.

The sequel that I plan to write is based in the same location as Woods, but with brand new characters, same things only turned up to eleven.  I hope.

If it’s all terrible, it won’t bother me, I know that some things I write are just for my amusement, whereas others have potential.  I think I’ll probably know about 20,000 words into this one.

That reminds me, I really must finish editing Woods.

A off-world look at the superstitious repercussions of tattooing an Ouija Board on your body. Hagen, who has a dead wife believes that he can revive her from the dead. Travis, a man who lost his brother and wants to join him in the after life. Morbius, a bartender who is betrayed by those he loves comes back from the dead to take revenge. And a strange man only known as Mr. Skinny protects the secrets of the Ouija Board and how the stories weave and affect each other.
- Taken from the DVD

The main cast are as follows:

Morbius, a demon or a human, either way, he’s into big knives, revenge, self-harm and emo monologues. This is a guy who would have a deadjournal (even though the site is now defunct), go to Evanescene concerts and write poetry that nobody understands.

Travis, a guy who wants his dead brother back.

Thomas, Travis’ dead brother.

Hagen, a creepy fucker who loves Elizabeth more than words can say.

Elizabeth, the love of Hagen’s life and, looking at all the evidence, an epic bitch.

The Gas Mask Demon. It’s a demon in a fucking gas mask, what do you want from me?

Big Zipper Demon, please note I kindly took caps of the front and the back so you could see why I call him the Big Zipper Demon.

S&M Pig, he’s actually called Mr Skinny, but let’s face it, it’s an S&M Pig

Look, tell me that’s not a Silent Hill loading screen.

The movie starts out with lovely music box style music and credits interspersed with creepy shit in jars, creepy boiler room tunnels, a very dead woman moving in a Samara-like way, showing off her black Samara-like hair, demons, the dead woman again, a “ouija board” cut into someone’s back, a screaming man, and generally the vibe that Hellraiser had a threesome with Silent Hill and The Ring and this is their baby.  Also, between the the three of them they have made a new and better looking ouija board.

My ouija brings all the dead to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours.

A big monster with what looks like a big zipper in its back drags the camera along.  The screen goes black, we get some quick images that we’ve just seen in the opening credits, including dead lady, screaming man, bleeding skin, etc.

A man, who we later find out is called Hagen, faceplants in the tunnel area, he looks like your middle management type.  The kind that only knows the names of the girls with large breasts, makes off-colour jokes and sweats a lot.  Basically, a wrongun.  A sexy female voice says, “I’m here.  Elizabeth.  We can be together.”  I like how she reminds him of her name, that’s sweet but unnecessary, since we will later find out she’s the love of his life.  The above description from imdb/the DVD case states that Elizabeth is his wife.  So, really, he should know her voice.  Also, he has the ouija board cut into the skin on his back.

I know the monster’s in the way, but that’s hell, a really long tunnel.

A demon in a gas mask tells Hagen that Elizabeth is dead, “tormented for all eternity for the pain she caused” and he should have moved on.  He was given the choice to get on with life but instead he chose hell and for that he will be punished.

The scene changes and Hagen is bathing his wife, Elizabeth, talking to her sweetly about how everything is normal and she shouldn’t worry, and it’s all very sweet and reassuring except she’s dead.  Elizabeth is apparently decomposing and he is worrying that there won’t be much body for her to get back to.  He’s got awhile yet though, she looks recently deceased.  Let’s just think about the scene before now though.  The demon told Hagen he had to go to hell because he wouldn’t move on.  Well, I’m not going to say for a second that keeping the corpse of your dead wife is healthy, but given the decomposition (or lack thereof) it’s not been long, so he’s still in the grieving stage.  Clearly the demons have as much compassion as my place of work (one day only for the death of a relative).

Hagen comments to Elizabeth in an off-hand way, “I know you’re not going to let this death become too much of an obstacle.”  Ok, maybe the demons were right, Hagen’s choices are a little off-the-wall here.  He then tells her it’s time for her “maintenance”.  Yes, that’s a euphemism.  Let’s move on.

Because Travis looks hot.

The scene changes and Hagen is working at a barber shop, sweeping the floor, when two guys walk in, Hagen says they’re closed (though why the door is unlocked is a mystery) but they don’t leave.  They throw him in a chair and give him a shave with a straight razor, one talks while the other looms menacingly.  Travis, the talker, who is wearing a pretty good wig and looks quite appealing, says they know about his wife, “the baths, the necrophilia,” and Travis understands.  He’s lost a little brother and wants him back from the dead.  Travis says he was too late, they had already cremated his brother.

Travis has a way of bringing the dead back to life.  Death separates the soul from the body, and he has a way to put the soul back.  Hagen says that Travis and mute guy are both crazy.  Travis responds with, “We’re not the one that’s fucking a corpse,” which is hard to argue.  Hagen is convinced to try Travis’ method now.

They go to Travis’ apartment (I assume) where he cuts a ouija board in Hagen’s back, explaining Hagen is the key to unlock the door to hell, he just has to nip down to hell and grab Elizabeth.  Simple.  Oh, and Hagen ought to “say hello to Morbius for me”.  Travis is delightfully snarky throughout and I feel myself getting a crush on him every time I watch this.  In fact, he even pulls a face where he looks a little like CM Punk… you know what, I’m gif-ing that so you can see for yourself.

What do you think, Punk-ish or not?

And I’m back to recapping, sorry.

Travis looks like a rock star (and he’s not CM Punk because he’s smoking)

As Travis cuts, Hagen begins to hear a crying baby and see creepy Samara-like hands with no fingernails, dead lady from the credits approaching, etc, then we’re back where we started, with Hagen in the long empty tunnel, talking to the gas mask demon about Elizabeth.  The demon introduces Hagen to suffering by way of huge zipper monster from the opening shots who chains him (think Hellraiser) and drags him off.  Gas mask demon steps into the shadows and we fade to black.

Sure there is, there’s NaNo 2010, which is still unfinished.  However, instead of working on that, I loaded up Kelsey, my main character, in Daz and built this layout.  That story isn’t even set in an abandoned theme park, another unfinished story is.  I could work on that, but I suspect if I opened the document I’d just run off to Daz to build my characters.  Really, I’m just that bad at the moment.

Not to mention I have the Star series, and Woods (NaNo 2006) to edit to death – they are at least finished, but I’m still unhappy with them.

Even this post is me putting off working on my stories.

*sigh*

The only hope is tonight.  For some reason I tend to get shedloads done while waiting for a wrestling PPV to start.

On the note of wrestling, let’s look at the card:
Last Man Standing Match for the WWE Title – Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. John Cena
I want to see Del Rio retain.  I really want to see Cena lose.  I don’t hate the guy, in fact, I’m one of the few smarks who still likes him, despite him being Super Cena.  However, Del Rio’s a vicious little bugger and deserves to hold on to the title for awhile longer (and if anyone should take it off him, I want it to be Punk).

WWE World Title Match – Mark Henry (c) vs. Big Show
Meh.  I’m sorry, I don’t care.  I liked Mark Henry’s last couple of matches where he threw JoMo around like a ragdoll, but two slow big men lumbering around is not exciting and I couldn’t care.  I’m sure Henry will retain.

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes
Whatevs.  Hate Orton with a passion, but I’m also bored of Rhodes now.  That said, it will probably be a good match and, if pushed for a favourite, I’ll choose Rhodes.

WWE Divas Title Match – Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Eve Torres
I did care about the Divas of Doom initially, but I’m now bored.  (“Scream for me Kelly Kelly”, leave it, Beth, she’ll scream anyway.  All of her matches sound like kicking out time at Wetherspoons.)  Anyway, after Beth revealed that she’s a girl and scared of the big bad working environment I just don’t care.

CM Punk and Triple H vs. The Miz and R-Truth
This is the reason I’m watching.  I love all four, I want to see Punk and Mr H’s win, but I don’t really care either way because both teams are effing awesome.

WWE Tag Team Title Match – Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne (c’s) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger
I think Air Boom will retain and it will probably be a good match.

U.S. Title Match – Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Zack Ryder
Come on Ryder!  Love Dolph, but I want Ryder to win.  Squee’d rather loudly a couple of weeks ago when Ryder got a squash match on Raw.